Christopher Hitchens is dreadfully tired of watching you masturbate has confirmed that author/journalist Christopher Hitchens is “dreadfully celeb-jihadtired” of watching you masturbate.

Describing your masturbatory habits as “pure cliché and banality,” Hitchens finds fault not only with your “pedestrian” technique (the fist coupled with occasional deviations to the backhand), but also with your choice of pornographic aides.

“(Your) sole reliance on girl-on-girl orgy porn smacks of overcompensation and leads one to the conclusion that (you have) some kind of subliminal or unaddressed problem,” said Hitchens.  “Perhaps (you) would be more at home viewing a homosexual spank film.”

While Hitchens declined to say how or why he was watching you masturbate, he went on to speculate that you have a camp interest in military uniforms, an obsession with flogging, and an unrelenting hatred of “silky and effeminate Jews.”