The New Year is a time for reflection, and we here at Celeb Jihad have a saying “Durka durka Muhammad tuck tuck jihad Allah” which loosely translates to “The only good celebrity is a dead celebrity”.
So let us take a moment to reflect on the top 5 celebrity deaths of 2009. Allah willing 2010 will be another banner year for celeb mortality rates.
|#5 Brittany Murphy – The most recent celebrity death, Brittany Murphy starts off our list at #5. Bug-eyed and at least slightly psychotic Brittany Murphy would be more likely to get pepper sprayed than a friendly smile while walking down the street if she was not famous. However, because people have seen her in a few movies she was perceived as “quirky” and “cool”. Hopefully those fans of her’s act just as “quirky” as she did by overdosing in the shower post haste.|
|#4 DJ AM – First off the man was a DJ. He made insane amounts of money for putting his iPod on shuffle in clubs. If you don’t want to jump up and celebrate when someone like that dies than there is something seriously wrong with you. The media ignored the glaring hypocrisy of this douchebag. He was shooting a show for MTV were he chastised kid’s for not being strong like him and quitting drugs, before going back to his hotel room and overdosing on them. What an ass!|
|#3 David Carradine – What is not to like about a celebrity death that involves a rope that is tied around the neck and genitals for autoerotic asphyxiation in a whore house in Thailand? David Carradine probably had the most embarrassing celebrity death of 2009. If only it had been someone more famous who died with a rope around their wiener like a Tom Cruise, George Clooney, or Rosie O’Donnell then it would have been tops on our list for sure.|
|#2 Tiger Woods – OK so Tiger Woods didn’t actually die this year, but his endorsement career pretty much did. And a more glorious death we have not seen in years (mainly because of all the whores). The fact that nerdy white guys absolutely worshiped Tiger because they thought he represented a hip classly minority version of themselves is funny enough. However, then to have their idol completely exposed as a relentless poon hound who has stuck it in everything from porn stars to Waffle House hostesses is down right hilarious. So much for Tiger being the epitome of a colored with class for you WASPs to worship. Don’t worry you still have Colin Powell.|
|#1 Michael Jackson – Was there really any doubt who the #1 celebrity death of 2009 would be. Michael Jackson the “King of Pop” became the “King of Death” in 2009. The intrigue around his death (whether he was murdered or not) never really interested me, beyond whether I should send a gift basket to his killer. No what made this death so great was the coming out party of all the Michael Jackson fans. What a reflection on Western culture to see the masses in hysterics over the death of a high-pitched child molester. Sure Michael had a couple catchy songs, but that was back in the 80’s. The man had spent the last 20 years trying to look like a child while fingering them, but the public reaction was like Muhammad himself had met his maker. If that isn’t a sign that Western society is doomed I don’t know what is.|